How To Make Difficult Conversations Easier
Do you ever feel apprehensive about raising a concern or problem with someone, but feel that it will only get worse if you don't? Whether we are dealing with performance issues at work, or disagreeing with your spouse about money or even negotiating with a difficult client, we all have conversations that can cause anxiety and frustration.
Why do we often avoid difficult conversations?
Feedback avoidance is often based on:
- Fear of conflict – “I don’t want to upset them”; “It makes me feel uncomfortable”
- Timing – “now is not the right time...it’s Friday”
- Excuses – “everyone makes mistakes”
- Blame – “I can’t believe they are not aware of this problem”
One of the challenges with difficult conversations is ensuring your message is effective to enable a productive and solution-oriented discussion. They key is to ensure our communication is both direct and sensitive. Here are some examples of what NOT to do and what you should DO that is effective:
Don’t be direct and insensitive:
“ Everyone else in the team does not like you and you have to get better at working with others”
“ You are have no idea how to parent and you have to change”
Don’t be indirect and sensitive:
“Is there any chance you’ve noticed how you interact with others?”
“Have you thought at all about parenting?”
Do ensure your communication is both direct and sensitive:
“It’s everyone’s responsibility in our team to communicate issues in order to ensure our team is as effective as possible. I want to help you address issues to do our jobs more effectively”
“Being aligned in our parenting style is critical to our effectiveness. I am having difficulty parenting effectively with you and we need to explore how to change that”
Language tip:
Often, when someone has a problem with another person, they communicate by using a "you-statement.”
Another approach is using an "I-message." For example, “I am having difficulty working with you… I am concerned about the impact on our budget”. The other person’s response to this statement is likely:
to be more conciliatory
to retain the good relationship between the two people
to generate more cooperative interactions in the future
Finally, consider what your outcomes and intentions are when you have a difficult conversation…
“Skilled people start with heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens.”
- Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler , Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when the stakes are high
